recovery diary
notes app ramblings from the a girl in the neuro ward
it’s september 10th and my neurosurgeon is wearing a supreme t-shirt. he rattles on about complications but i can’t stop fixating on his top. i think my ex had that shirt? i ask a nurse if he’s the ‘cool doctor’ in the hospital, she laughs and confirms. zeke and i kiss goodbye, and i walk into the OR. the temperatures are subarctic, and i’m cheek up on the operating table when i realize my red pointelle thong probably wasn’t the best underwear choice for today. with this being my second time undergoing this procedure in a year, you’d think i would have learned. the operating room hums around me as my team of doctors prepare for my procedure. i watch the monitor as they precariously position needles around my spine. i try to keep my breathe steady, move no muscle, and communicate with the surgeon when i lose feeling in my arm. my critical care nurse tells me this is the most painful procedure you can receive while awake. i feel strong and capable!!! she pulls blood from my arm, as the surgeon injects it back into my hole-laden spine. apparently, i was 3 ccs short of the hospital record. the perfectionist in me seethes that i couldn’t hold out longer. the second i’m wheeled into recovery and see zeke, i cry. this seems to be my way, my neurosurgeon sharing that i’m the most stoic patient he’s had, that is until i see my husband. ‘my weakness and my strength’ i tell him.
i’m wheeled into a private room (a blessing) where i’m pumped full of drugs and fed pita soaked in avgolemono. we watch TSITP and drink green smoothies and i pee in a bedpan. unbeknownst to me, zeke spends the night in my room. he grabs a discarded blanket from the bottom of my bed, and lays it on the floor, waking every hour to check my body position as i sleep. at some midnight hour, our angel of a nurse comes in to cover zeke with warm blankets. we wake early, counting down the hours until my prison sentence (strict bedrest) is over. zeke dresses me in a track jacket and red cotton pants, we joke that i look like a team USA athlete, ready to carry the torch. instead, i carry my heavy bones to our hotel to shower and sleep.
later in the week, we drive five hours home and i crawl into bed in our guest room. spaces hold energy, and the thought of recovering in our sanctuary of a bedroom doesn’t feel right - plus the narrows stairs to our primary suite make it a complete non-option. my parents grocery shop for us, then zeke sneaks out to get me farmers market flowers, his weekend tradition. in my sanctuary of a home with my dog, husband, and fully stocked freezer, true recovery commences. i treated myself to an entire week and a half off of work (2024 alivia is shaking). i’m so sore and stupid that the thought of circling back at a time like this is borderline irresponsible. having so little physical ability makes me feel like a 5’10 six month old. with strict orders of no reaching, twisting, bending or lifting for 12 weeks, i’m at the mercy of zeke. he is, by all means, the most impressive caretaker. he coaxes me to drink water, bathes the dog, makes brown butter rice crispy squares, and keeps the house clean. like the glorified sea vegetable that i am, i spend lots of time sitting propped up in bed, watching the deer orbit their way through my backyard. they eat apples and take naps in the shade and munch on weeds we’ve forgotten to manage. it’s peaceful and frustrating, an experience steeped in privilege. i listen to audiobooks and buy a vintage polka dotted j crew rollneck on ebay. i nap with my dog and hunt for teak MCM furniture on 1st dibs. my eyes feel stiff in their sockets, i guess healing is at play. light feels so bright, sounds amplified, smells extra fragrant, consider it stimulation overdrive. i need protection as i step into this high-def life, so i order some blue tinted glasses to wear around the house, like i’m fucking robert downy jr. once my brain adjusts to the newly cushioned state of my skull, i look forward to reading erika’s new book, exit lane (happy pub day baby), drawing with pastels (my new hobby), and planning our anniversary trip (looking at you, paris).
i rely heavily on the dopamine of food to drive me throughout the day. the weekend leading up to my procedure was spent in the kitchen, stocking our pantry and freezer with orgasmic food for zeke to prepare. the result has been outstanding. tahini and cardamom honey sweetened granola bars, encrusted with toasted sesame seeds, jammy dried apricots and pistachios. breakfast burritos packed with fluffy eggs, bacon, sharp scottish cheddar, and served with local hot sauce made from stone fruit. farmer’s market tomatoes and red russian garlic, cooked into a sinful confit, blended with chicken bone broth and laced with whole milk to create a masterful velvety soup. a vibrant green pasta sauce, brimming with every green vegetable known to man, dotted with ricotta and the zest of two lemons. zeke and i cosplay ‘restaurant’ each evening. with the right amount of candlelight, linen napkins, and a curated playlist, we’re transported to a dimly-lit bistro with the most incredible menu. we tend to joke that we’re incredible at dating. always the last couple in the restaurant, constantly bonding with our servers, having the most in-depth chats. nary a phone in sight, we tend to fall down a conversational vortex, only surfacing for a fresh drink. not even recovery can change that fact, as most home dates now end with me crying saying something to the effect of ‘i’m so lucky to have you, i love our life, i love this food, i love our home’. i foam at the mouth thinking about getting out into the world again, and dating the shit out of my husband.
it’s time to rest now, or perhaps coerce zeke into making me a cardamom iced cortado (decaf only, caffeine increases CSF fluid!!!). if you have any book or show recommendations, please let me know. better yet, if you’ve got a romantic destination recommendation, give me something to google as my spine heals.
wishing you all the comfort as you recover ⭐️
Madwoman is a fantastic book that I loved on audio!!! Highly recommend - feel better soon sweetie 💕